The Outside
by tin2lo
Summary: Songfic based on Taylor Swift's "The Outside" Susan centric. The real reason as to why she forgot Narnia. Movie based yet canon at the same time


**This is a one shot that I decided not to add to my collection of Narnia Oneshots. Why? I'm not really sure. I have heard this song several times over and I thought it really related to Susan. Since no one else would do it, I thought what the heck I might as well give it a shot.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything obviously. Love to, can't. "The Outside" belongs to Taylor Swift and all of Narnia and its inhabitants belong to C.S. Lewis (even if Susan doesn't make it in the end, she's considered his too). Anything else that seems to look familiar is also probably not mine. I claim nothing but this plot/storyline which admittedly, is not much. **

_I didn't know what I would find  
When I went looking for a reason, I know  
I didn't read between the lines and baby, I've got nowhere to go  
I try to take the road less traveled by  
But nothing seems to work the first few times, am I right?_

I was at home and so was everyone else. Mum and dad had left for some errands which left me alone with the three people who seem to now only look down upon me. When it's just the four of us, I feel as though I am banned from the society they created. I am isolated, quiet, and I suffer in silence. They don't know that about me which is why I am considered a traitor, an enemy, and an outsider. I know exactly why they would call me all of those things. They think I have forgotten who I once was but the truth is that they never _knew_ who I once was and still am.

What they think I am is far more different from who I know I am and who I know is here now. I know that I am Queen Susan the Gentle. I know that I ruled for several years by their side and I know that I fought in the revolution and found a short lived love. I suffer in silence for many reasons. I know that if I speak, my words will be rearranged and I know if I remember, I may succumb into a depression. They mishear my words every time. I don't want to forget Narnia but I also don't want to embrace the fact that I have been exiled from my true home. I know I am not the only one who was exiled. Lucy and Edmund received word from Aslan himself that they could never return either. Their wounds were new and yet they still had the ability to embrace the good times. My wounds were older than theirs and yet I know I am not strong enough to remember.

They want me to, I know they do. They are the only ones I can open up to about Narnia and yet, I can't. I can't go anywhere else if not them. Technically, I didn't deny Narnia. I just wanted to stop thinking about it for a while. I wanted to open up when I was ready. I wanted more time to heal although I know they were already healed. Lucy loved and believed in Aslan far too much to not open up, Edmund trusted Aslan since he died for him on the stone table, and Peter was just strong overall. I am different. I fought in war and I found a love that I was not allowed to keep but I had no real reason as to not heal as slow as I am. Why can't they understand that I'm not ready to think about Narnia again? I know that remembering the good times is the best thing to do but I just can't, which is why I tried not to speak about it. I can't even control my tempers for when I get angry about them always talking about Narnia, some urge in me tends to yell and get mad. I didn't deny the fact that Narnia existed. I just didn't want to remember it at that time.

I guess they are not completely to blame. If I had not tried to not remember Narnia, maybe they wouldn't have gotten the impression that I have forgotten it. And maybe if I had opened up sooner, they would know that I still know that I am Narnia's Gentle Queen. I have taken many attempts at opening up but have failed miserably. As soon as I open my mouth and the words sound like I am embracing Narnia, I stare at their faces. They are excited because they have been waiting to prove their first theory wrong and know that I still believe but as soon as I shut my mouth and say "never mind," they continue with their theory of me not believing. As I think these thoughts, I turn to see Peter ignoring me and will not speak to me in a real conversation unless about Narnia. Peter is the only one who is most convinced that I am truly a nonbeliever. He is also the only one who is slowly giving up on me. As I turn the opposite direction, I see Edmund come and whisper something to Peter. Edmund has always been closest to me just like Lucy was to Peter. He believed more than Lucy that I would return to them. He whispers to Peter so that Peter is happy that they are talking about Narnia without making me mad, but he whispers loud enough so that I would get the message that if I wanted to talk about Narnia, he would support me if I decided to walk in on the group to chat myself.

_So how can I ever, try to be better  
Nobody ever lets me in  
I can still see you, this ain't the best view  
On The Outside looking in  
Oh I've been a lot of lonely places  
I've never been on The Outside_

The two brothers walk back to the other room where Lucy is about to tell another memory that she recalls from the golden age. I walk outside to the backyard to sit and read by the big tree. From the spot I am sitting in, I can see the three of them from the second story window. They are all laughing and having fun. I know that those memories were mine too and as much as I want to go up and reconcile, my legs don't want to move. Edmund is staring at Lucy who is trying to reenact the story she is telling, all of them oblivious to me alone here. Edmund and Lucy are distracted and for some strange reason, Peter decides to stare out the window. When he sees me, his smile is completely washed off and after a three second staring contest, he looks away as if he saw nothing and goes back to smiling at Lucy's story. It was official; I was the outcast of the family.

_You saw me there but never knew  
That I would give it all up to be  
A part of this, a part of you  
But now it's all too late so you see  
You could have helped if you had wanted to  
But no one notices until it's too  
Late to do anything_

_How can I ever try to be better?  
No body ever lets me in  
I can still see you, this ain't the best view  
On the outside looking in  
I've been a lot of lonely places  
I've never been on The Outside_

That time when Peter turned away from me almost hurt me as much as the actual memories of Narnia. Not only was I an outcast, but Peter had lost faith in the fact that I might recover. It was like Nikabrik losing hope of Aslan returning. Lucy was slowly losing faith in me especially now that Peter was keeping her away so that I couldn't talk to her. It was a precaution of Peter's so that I "won't rub off on Lucy." The only one I knew who hadn't lost faith in me yet was Edmund. He wasn't afraid of my outburst when he tried to get me to remember and he wasn't going to let Peter keep him from me. Sometimes I feel as if he knows that I want to be with them and talk about the good times. He's the only one willing to give me space and is willing to wait for me. He drops hints on their secret Narnia meetings and he hums Narnian lullabies. He doesn't believe that I have forgotten.

For some strange reason, Peter is convinced that I have. He keeps Lucy away from me so that I don't talk her into becoming like me and he no longer speaks more than a few words to me. I feel like I needed him the most to help me get through. He's my older brother and I look up to him for support and yet he looks down upon me with not even a few words to get through the day. He stays away from me and he makes Lucy stay away from me and now I feel as though Edmund is slowly slipping away from me. I'm not quite sure if he's tired of waiting or not. I was slowly getting better but now that they are moving away from me, I can feel myself slipping all over again. Now it is almost too late for me to go back to them. If Peter truly wanted to help, he wouldn't be pushing those who did want to help away from me. I feel like I can't get better anymore, then why do they expect me to? I can see that they're happy without me and I can see past that and know that they are all hurting that I am not with them. If I can see past them, why can't they see past me and know the truth?

_Oh yeah_

_How can I ever try to be better?  
Nobody ever lets me in  
I can still see you, this ain't the best view  
On the outside looking in  
Oh I've been a lot of lonely places  
I've never been on The Outside_

It's not completely my fault that I am the outsider of the family. They are slowly pushing me away as I am slowly getting better. If only they could see the truth behind me. I have never denied Narnia but because of them, I still can't embrace it. I can only hope that Aslan can see me and who I am. I hope that he will show them who I am. I pray that they will all see through me and my silent sorrows. I will willingly admit that I need them, once they admit that they were all wrong about me.

**Ok so I wrote this because I didn't believe that it was completely Susan's fault for forgetting Narnia. I want to believe that her siblings slowly pushed her into doing this. I also wanted to use this song for a story but that's another thing that I'd rather not explain. I don't care if I don't receive reviews on this or if I get really bad ones. This is just what I think about Susan forgetting Narnia. When Peter said that Susan was "no longer a friend of Narnia" and they just ignored the topic all together by pushing their attention to fruit on trees in the "Last Battle" gave me the impression that he never believed that Susan had a chance to remember if he just helped a little more than he already was.**

**So yeah that's my explanation for this story and I hope you all enjoyed it.**

**Review or not, I don't really care.**

**-tin2lo**


End file.
